Doh!

It's my first day back at school after mid-semester break. ARGHARGHARGH. I'm sooo ridiculously tired, don't you hate that? How the first day of school is always the most tiring day you've ever experienced even though you don't really do much.

I'm going to have to type this quickly because I have a draft due tomorrow that I really have to get on with. I reckon it might be a one-er or a two-er for me tonight. Sigh. I'm also a little bit peeved off because my economics teacher was meant to have our assignments ready for us at the beginning of the holidays, then he said he would type up the task sheet today. Guess what? I'm task-sheet-less. I'm also freaking out a bit because apparently I'm up to the stage of writing my Modern History assignment but I'm still well deep in the research.

I was a little bit relieved today because I hadn't gotten back *any* assessment for the whole of last term. But today I got back an english feature article that I wrote and my maths assignment. I got A's on both of them, so I'm happy. I'm a little bit concerned about getting back my english, maths and modern history exams and my study of religion and extension english assignments. Freaking *out*!!

I realise that thus far this has only been a rant that has little interest to anybody. However, I thought I might also post a funny (well, I thought so) satire script that I wrote in Drama last year. I got an A+ on it, so I hope you enjoy!

Life in the Hot Seat
Characters
[M = Male and F = Female]

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH (M) in safari suit with wide brimmed hat and heavy boots, speaks with English accent into microphone.

AMERICA (F) wears pink dress, high heels, long blonde hair with heavy makeup, speaks with California valley girl type accent.

ENGLAND (M) wears slacks, button up top with vest and bow tie, speaks with cockney accent [easily distinguishable from Attenborough’s accent].

SOUTH AMERICA (M) shirtless, tattered pants, holds machine gun, barefoot, heavy accent.

AUSTRALIA (F) wears version of AMERICA’s dress but as is significantly fatter than America, dress strains over her figure and is unflattering. Dress is stained, wears the same high heels as America, speaks with bogan accent.

RUSSIA (F) wears an imitation ‘I heart NY’ shirt that instead says ‘I heart PUTIN’ with camouflage army pants and army boots, speaks with heavy Russian accent, is very muscled and tall, black bob hairstyle.

GEORGIA (F) is very small, wears same outfit as Russia but the clothes are ill-fitting and hang off her small body.

CHINA (M) wears long, black trench coat, smokes cigars, has cheap goods stashed in coat, heavy Chinese accent.



ACT ONE

Outside UN Building in New York, DAVID ATTENBOROUGH crouches beside the doors, watching as various delegates move into the building, one by one the cast (except ENGLAND and AMERICA) and other extras go inside.

DAVID: Hello, I’m David Attenborough and welcome to my latest documentary, Life in the Hot Seat. We’re here today to observe the fascinating habits of the rare species known scientifically as Cowardis Maximus but usually spoken of under their native name, politicians. Watch with me now as they skulk back into their burrow. Fascinating.

[Camera pans to see delegates walking into building, pans back to DAVID]

DAVID: Traditionally this is a time of celebration as the politicians reenter their home bearing the efforts of the hunt. Today though, things look disappointing. This is a very barren time for the politicians and many other species as they all fight for survival. Fascinating stuff today here folks.

[ENGLAND walks over to AMERICA empty-handed. She shakes her head as if disappointed and moves away. AMERICA walks into the building and ENGLAND follows.]

DAVID: We are about to enter the fascinating nest of these creatures, it is supremely dangerous and if you at home happen to see a politician’s nest, we advise you not to enter.

[DAVID walks through doors but is still semi-crouching, camera is shaky as camera-man follows suit.]

DAVID: (stage whisper) If you look now you can see the elegant, breath-taking and fascinating mating ritual of the politicians as the two creatures we have named South America and England fight for the hand of the alpha female, America.

[Camera zooms in on ENGLAND, AMERICA and SOUTH AMERICA standing in a triangle, with AMERICA at the point, facing the camera. SOUTH AMERICA and ENGLAND hold a resolution, each hoping theirs will be signed by AMERICA.]

SOUTH AMERICA: C’mon baby, I wanna cross your border! (Raises eyebrows suggestively)
[AMERICA looks at him disdainfully and turns to ENGLAND]

ENGLAND: Please, Miss America, I feel that our two countries once united could create many beautiful things together. Our alliance would bring forth great fruit.

AMERICA: Ohmigod, I like sooo agree with you. Let’s go and like find a table to make this thing official!

[DAVID pops into shot from the side. His head takes up most of the shot but in the background AMERICA and ENGLAND are seen signing their resolution together]

DAVID: And watch now as the alpha female asserts her superiority over another female politician, Australia. Fascinating, fascinating.

[AUSTRALIA walks over to the pair, stumbling in her much too high heels and with food stains down the front of her dress]

AUSTRALIA: (Tries to imitate AMERICAn accent, fails miserably) What d’youse like think of my like new dress…like? (Realises is failing with accent and resumes normal, bogan voice) D’youse guys need me to sign your reso-thingy as well?

[AMERICA and ENGLAND have finished signing the resolution. AMERICA looks at AUSTRALIA with disdain and walks away. ENGLAND does not immediately follow so AMERICA turns around and snaps her fingers to beckon him. He follows, hanging his head. AUSTRALIA is miffed.]

AUSTRALIA: (Turns to camera and mimes cracking a whip, making appropriate sound. Speaks maliciously but still with a sing-song intonation) Whi-ipped. (Turns around to see ENGLAND and AMERICA’s backs turned and walking away.) Oy! America! Wait!

[AUSTRALIA exits, trailing after ENGLAND and AMERICA. DAVID steps into shot again. He walks down a hallway and comes across RUSSIA holding GEORGIA up to a wall and punching her in the stomach]

DAVID: Fascinating. Watch now as South America drinks a glass of water.

[Camera zooms in on SOUTH AMERICA drinking a glass of water. Moves back to DAVID.]

DAVID: Absolutely fascinating and enthralling. However, all is not always well in the camp of the United Nations. Look here as Russia dukes it out with her much weaker opponent, Georgia.

[Camera zooms in on the fighting pair, other cast members stand around watching passively.]

RUSSIA: It’s time you learnt your lesson! (Groans with effort, punches in stomach)

GEORGIA: (Squeaks)

[Camera swings back to DAVID. He stands in front of RUSSIA and GEORGIA who continue to fight in the background.]

DAVID: Fascinating behaviour. However, aside from all of these petty civil wars within the burrow itself, a much greater crisis threatens the well-being of these fragile creatures their primary food source is incredibly scarce. I am, of course, talking about money.

[AMERICA pushes DAVID out of the way to stand in front of the camera and grabs his microphone, pulling ENGLAND along with her. Camera shot backs away to show movement of camera man. DAVID remains in shot but is passed out on the floor.]

AMERICA: I’ll show you what I think of your liberal media! Ohmigod, like seriously, this is ridiculous! Could everyone stop like saying that I’m broke! I cannot be broke! I’m like the United States of freaking America, okay? This is freaking ridiculous! (Looks at ENGLAND threateningly)

ENGLAND: She definitely is the United States of America.

AMERICA: (Pulls away from ENGLAND, crosses arms and continues to glare at him.)

ENGLAND: I mean…ridiculous. (Upward intonation at the end of sentence indicates that this is a question disguised as a statement.)

AMERICA: (Moves back towards ENGLAND, grabs his arm possessively. Begins to cry in an exaggerated fashion.)

ENGLAND: It’s okay, we’ll sort it out! We’ll work something out. Here, wait. I have an idea.

AMERICA: You have an idea? (Speaks derisively)

ENGLAND: Oh…well…yes. I mean, if you want. It’s just…we can fix this. I know you have that money hidden somewhere! If you bring that out, everything will be alright!

AMERICA: (Stops crying. Sighs) I guess it’s up to me…as usual. (Pulls out $700 billion check from behind back.)

[ENGLAND and AMERICA move out of shot, walking off together. CHINA moves in, blows smoke from cigar into the camera aggressively.]

CHINA: What about me, you know? No one ever cares about China. I have to make a living too here. With seven hundred billion, I could have been free, I could have been happy, I could have been rich! But oh no, is only for the investment banks of America. (Adopts whiny tone when speaking about the banks.) I’m stuck here making all of their cheap goods! But what they don’t know is that I infuse their clothes with communism, essence of Mao! Speaking of which, you’re not in the mood for a new watch are you? (Opens coat where many obviously fake watches are seen) Genuine Prada! Or perhaps you are a YSL man? No?

[Camera moves away from CHINA and toward doors. CHINA runs in front of camera and walks backwards, still speaking to the camera man.]

CHINA: Fine, I’ll show you the best! Chanel, only fifteen dollars! No? Well what about…

[Camera fades to black and sound fades to silence.]

xoxo,
Megan

Kg's to Goal: 6
Guitar Hero Plays this Year: 31
Mental Slaps Today: 12