:)

Thanks for your nice comments on the last post BEDA buddies, I really appreciated it.

I have soooo much homework to do tonight! It's ridiculous. It's also the time I should be asleep. *sigh*

I also found out today that I have to go first doing my SOR rap and oral. So that's slightly nerve-wracking, especially considering I'm making what would be considered a 'brave' choice in doing a rap.

I don't really have a huge amount to say today...sorry. Nothing of particular interest. Um...I might ask your advice about something actually.

So, I have this friend who used to be my best friend. About six months ago I accidentally stumbled on her blog and recognised it as hers as she had once shown me it. I was a bit surprised to see that the latest and second-latest posts were quite long bitch-fests about me. They basically said that I was weak, I was fake, I was insecure, I was annoying, she didn't want to be my friend etc. etc.

I confronted her about this the next day I saw her. She said that she was furious that I had read the blog. When I mentioned that I didn't know that I wasn't supposed to, she said that I should have known. She was angrier than I was. I said that I was sorry for reading it and I decided not to make her apologise for saying the things that she did. I thought I was quite calm and collected. All I wanted to know was where we should go from here in terms of our friendship. I finally got her to admit that she didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I'll admit, that hurt A LOT. But I said 'okay' and I walked away.

Since then things have been a bit weird between us. She is in my group and we aren't outwardly fighting...we're not even really sneakily fighting. Most people in our group don't even know that we had a fight...but they know that something happened. I still sort of feel like I am playing the role of her best friend but that she doesn't like me very much. She lives quite close to me so I offer her lifts to and from places. She takes me home from school some days when she gets picked up (though, that is with other girls in our group). We still catch the train together. We have hung out by ourselves. The most telling thing is, I think, that when something really awful happened to her (two of her best friends were killed in a car crash) she called me to go over her house. And I did, and I genuinely wanted to be there for her.

However, she sort of...is more affectionate to other members of our group and laughs with them more. Everything is kinda awkward between us. We've only had like one actual fight since then but that was when we were both stressed out about exams...so I think that was the spark that lit a mini-bonfire of everything that we were feeling.

I don't know what to do. She's an amazing, lovely, intelligent and funny person. I know I've been making this seem like I am blameless in the whole thing but I'm sure I'm not. That's never the case. The thing is, I just sort of feel like I can't trust her anymore. Also, her opinion still really matters to me. One time I told her about a story that I was writing and she didn't like it so I never touched it again. I just couldn't look at it, it felt stupid because she said it was stupid.

She's always been prettier than me and smarter and more popular. But just when I finally felt like I was becoming my own person and loving myself...she wrote those blog posts and I immediately hated myself again. I feel like maybe I don't want to be her friend when we go to uni. I just think that maybe we're bad for each other.

I dunno, help?!

xoxo,
Megan

Kg's to Goal: I don't even know and I don't really want to know
Guitar Hero Plays this Year: 31
Mental Slaps Today 9