Late-Night Ramblings

I thought I should do this more like a typical blog post...about myself but not necessarily a list of random facts that no one needs to know.

I love the internet for it's anonymity. I can write whatever I want to and it will never be found by anyone I know. Or maybe it will, it doesn't bother me. My philosophy is that whatever happens, happens.

My parents divorced when I was eleven (I'm seventeen now). At the time it didn't seem as earth-shatteringly important as it does now. This is probably a reversal of the usual trend. They both have significant others now, my mum is getting married next May. A stepdad...it's kind of weird to think about. I'm not even sure I've totally processed it. He pretty much lives here now anyway, so it's not completely like anything will have changed. Still...it sort of makes my need to escape seem even more pressing.

That's something else about me, I suppose. I want to run away. I want to sever ties. I daydream about just dropping everything one day and moving to another country. I could change my name, how I dress, everything. I could never be found. I'm not so emo as to assume that I wouldn't be missed, but I think everyone would adjust. It would be perfect. I don't have the guts, though.

My family and I just attempted to play a board game. What a huge mistake. I don't know if it's like this in other families, but my mum and her fiance get super competitive and accuse everyone else of cheating. Then we leave the game more angry and less bonded than when we went in. A few months pass, we forget the negative side-effects of board games and they regain their allure. Hence, the vicious cycle continues. I think it was an evil plot by board-game-makers. They create these games which are promoted to increase family cohesiveness but instead they push you apart. The family then buy more board games in an attempt to regain their closeness, which pushes them further apart etc. It wouldn't suprise me.

I've always wondered if skin-care products really work. Like, if they cure your skin, wouldn't their usefullness be over? So, wouldn't it make sense to create a product that heals your skin somewhat, but never completely? I dunno, maybe I'm being too cynical about big companies.

We are watching documentaries on 9/11 in two of my subjects in school. I sort of...well, I hate it. The documentaries achieve their purpose, I feel shocked and saddened and angry and sick. I don't like those feelings. I sort of already felt that way about it...so these documentaries aren't changing my position any...so are they really worth it? Too judgemental?

I feel sad tonight. Well, realistically, I feel sad most nights. I sometimes think I might have a mild form of depression or something. I haven't seen anyone, so my melodrama as being the cause is a perfectly legitimate theory. But sometimes I think that surely it's not normal to be sad all the time. I do want to be happy, I just...find it really difficult. I kind of constantly feel like my heart is breaking, for no reason. It's stupid.

xoxo,
Megan

p.s. It's holidays but it doesn't feel like it. I feel like a funeral.

Teenage Wasteland

It’s been a long time since I’ve written a truly emo blog post. Now my life is pretty happy and shiny. I have two or three bad days but it’s so much better. Then I sort of wonder if I had depression. I mean, maybe I was just regularly sad, but I’m overdramatizing it. Who knows? All I can say is that I’m glad I don’t feel that way anymore. It’s nice that now I’ve just got that overwhelming need to write. So much of my love for writing is demolished in the process of thinking about whether people will like what I’m reading. So now I’m just writing entirely for me and I think that that can only be a good thing.

I have no idea how other people can post every day and still have some funny or witty anecdote to share. My life isn’t nearly that interesting, for sure. And yet, I still feel the need to post about it. I guess it’s just that desperate need for connection and validation.

Yay, my friend from high school who moved across the country is online on msn. I haven’t spoken to her in weeks, I’ve been so busy. I mean, technically, I should be busy now because currently on Monday I have three drafts and an assignment due and an oral to do. But I’m not working because I’m just chilling and watching the AFL on the TV.

I thought I should update my lovely friend in the blogosphere, he has been a bit neglected. The fact that I have apparently turned my blog into a sentient being who is male should not be mentioned.

My life is good though. It’s so much better than I could have imagined when I was like semi-suicidal (can you be semi-suicidal?) like two years ago. Not because of anything or anyone particularly but just because I decided it was awesome. And it is now.

AND I’M CLOSE TO THE END OF HIGH SCHOOL! THEN I CAN GO TO UNI AND STUDY CREATIVE WRITING AND NEVER HAVE TO DO DIFFERENTIATION OR ALGEBRA OR INTEGRATION OR SIN AND COS OR ANYTHING MATHSY EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I’m a bit excited.)

Leaving you now,
Xoxo,
Megan